I’m getting ready to get in my car and drive 3 hours to get home. I’m kinda nervous because I don’t want my mind to be racing with wild thoughts about what could POSSIBLY happen but I pray that I will keep my mind focused on Christ and His sovereignty. I also pray that His peace surrounds me and that as I talk with the doctor and have tests run that I will not be afraid because He has not given me a spirit of fear. Well I should probably hit the road before I convince myself not to. haha. Dear Lord please help me! :)
Thank you so much for your prayers! They are very appreciated! God bless you!!! :D
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written:
“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. http://bible.us/Rom8.35.NKJV
CLICK TO MAKE SOME MUSIC
So at church the other night, I told God that my life was in His hands. I told Him that I was willing to have cancer to help out His cause and for His glory. If there is just one person in that hospital that I am supposed to help then I am willing to go through all of this because He is sovereign and I will not suffer in vain. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, ”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
His grace is sufficient for me and when I am weak then He is strong. I will stand upon this verse as I enter into the next few weeks of testing and prepping for surgery. I don’t know if this means I have cancer or not. I mean God told Abraham to kill His son and Abraham was obedient as he went to the altar but God remained faithful and spared Isaac’s life in Genesis 22. This could turn into that but I don’t know. I’m just going to be obedient and rely on Him to be faithful.
For breaking every inch of my heart
I should’ve known from the start now it’s time to get lost
And don’t say that you need me
And don’t play these games with my mind
You better get out of my head cause your wasting your time
And don’t say its forever
And don’t play cause you had you shot
You better stop messing around cause you’re gonna get caught
You better stop messing around cause you’re gonna get caught.” —Demi Lovato
The days that are the hardest for me are the days that I wake up and go on with my day without spending time with Christ first. A quick half asleep prayer doesn’t cut it. I need to spend deep intimate time with Him.
thinking about everything coming up makes me sick to my stomach.
Last night I literally gave my life to Jesus. As we sang songs dedicating our spiritual lives to Him I wept as I gave my physical life to Him. Even though I am scared I am willing. He gave His entire life for me why should I not dedicate my life and everything I do to Him and for His glory? I will be living a life worthy of the name Christian or follower of Christ. He is sovereign over all things.
I just realized that I haven’t talked to my so called “friends” lately. You know those people who said they’d always be there for me? Yea them, I haven’t talked to them. I’m kind of happy about it though. God is definitely showing me what a true friendship is supposed to be and even though at times it freaks me out, I’m enjoying this learning process. I’m learning that people actually do care and are interested in all aspects of my life not just what I can do for them. It’s refreshing. So to my old friendships, I say goodbye with a bittersweet feeling and I am welcoming these new friendships with open arms. I’m excited to see everything that God has in plan for this semester! I cannot wait to see what He does. He’s doing big things already and the amazing part is that I’m only a very small piece in this puzzle of His!
Just because i have headphones in doesn’t mean i can’t hear you. Most of the time i just don’t wanna respond to a stupid question. What am i doing? What else would i be doing with a textbook and a highlighter? Studying? Oh never that. :-|
I wish I had someone to talk to when my mind starts to run wild at night.
I hate that now everything and everyone is somehow pointing to cancer. There’s a friend who is praying for someone with cancer or cancer stats pop up on the net while I’m looking for something, it’s like I can’t get away from it. I pray and trust in God for healing I really do but this not knowing is starting to freak me out. I’ve made up in my mind that I can’t just say God heal me and let it happen. I want to be obedient to His will and His Word. If He wills for me to go through this so that I can relate to someone else then so be it. I don’t want to be selfish about my life anymore. I want to live with a purpose and live with the bigger picture in mind. So as much as I want to be selfish and say heck no to the thought of cancer I will say “Lord, Your will not mine because Lord I trust You.” He is sovereign over all things.
Hi, I’m a follower of Jesus Christ. I make plenty of mistakes. Does that make me a hypocrite? No, it makes me human.
I looked through my facebook pictures tonight and I cried. I cried because I want that life that is portrayed on my profile. I want to be that happy smiling person. But the scariest thing is that I read through my statues and such and I put on such a good act for the most part that nothing is really wrong. I don’t know what shocks me more, the fact that I put on such a good act or the fact that nobody caught on.
so i’ve had the room to myself all weekend and i’ve been feeling like this
but now my rommate is back and is LOUD AS HELL. and i really want to be like
but in reality i’m just sitting here like
So today was hard. I can’t lie I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. I’ve been trying to avoid certain people and I’ve been trying to focus on different things so that I won’t cry. It’s all starting to hit me now that I’m not sitting at home watching TV getting lost in someone else’s life. I am actually having to live my life and get back into reality. The entire situation has me completely stressed out. I think it’s mostly because my insurance company should be getting back to me soon with my approval to the surgeon and all that great jazz. It’s constantly in the back of my mind nowadays. I can’t escape, I can’t get away, I can’t focus, I’m lost. I don’t know all of these emotions that are trying to burst out, I feel fear creeping in and just a feeling of being overwhelmed. I need to allow myself to feel these emotions but part of me just doesn’t want to deal with it right now. I just want to wish it all away…
I’m sitting here trying to do homework but I can’t focus. I don’t really have anything on my mind. My mind isn’t racing everywhere but yet I’m sitting here on the edge of tears. I have no idea what’s happening!!! I guess it’s all slowly sinking in. The fact that classes have started and I have a lot to do, and the fact that I have a tumor growing inside of me, the fact that I’m confused about the line between faith in God’s healing and obedience to His will, the fact that I would rather not be in my room most of the time even though I just got here two days ago, and the fact that I know that relational wounds need relational healing yet I’d rather have shallow relationships at the moment than deep intimate ones. So I guess there was more on my mind than I thought. I guess since I don’t want to think about it all that I pretend that I’m not. But I think the thing that’s kind of haunting me most is the fact that I feel fear creeping in and I’m trying so hard not to acknowledge it but I feel it slipping itself into my thoughts and my prayers and my actions. Fear from my tumor mostly but fear of relationships also. When I listened to the speaker say “Relational wounds need relational healing” I immediately almost started crying. I held back tears because for so long I’ve been trying to heal using many different methods but not by relationships. I’ve turned more into a shallow relationship type of person because I believe in my mind that I don’t get hurt that way. I’m scared to get close to people and I think that in turn is effecting how I’m dealing with this whole tumor situation. I don’t like talking about it because it’s just shallow conversation yet it’s nothing to be taken lightly. Like I just want to go and scream to release all of this anxiety that has built up the past couple of days. I was doing fine sitting at home not thinking about everything but then I get here and everyone wants to check up on how I’m doing but not for the sake of helping, cuz no one is helping me deal with it, they’re just asking if I’m doing ok. But I need help to deal with this. I need help trying to sort through all these emotions because to be completely honest I’ve kind of gone cold, I’ve become emotionless to a certain degree. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions and it’s hard to talk to someone because I have all these deep emotional wounds that I can only heal by relational healing and there’s this big cycle that I feel like I can’t break! I feel like I’ve lost it. I haven’t lost hope, just lost control. I’m just confused and dazed. It’s like I’m just floating through life but not really living at this moment in time. Weird but that’s the best way I can explain it.
Relational wounds need relational healing…God spoke and now I’m broken. But definitely a good broken.
Is it bad that when the doctor told me that my tumor may be cancerous one of the first thoughts to cross my mind was “No! I haven’t fallen deeply in love yet! I haven’t gotten married or had kids! This can’t happen yet.” Is that selfish? Is that horrible? Sometimes I think it is.
Have you ever felt peace when you’re supposed to be a wreck? That’s kind of how I feel right now. I went to the doctor today for a follow up on a lipoma (fatty benign tumor). I’m not going to lie, I was so scared! My doctor asked some questions about how the tumor felt and when I told her it was becoming painful especially at night while I was trying to get to sleep. She nodded and wrote on her tablet. She asked if I had questions and my mom expressed that she wanted to make sure that I got a biopsy or some test to prove that it was benign because a close relative had stomach cancer so she was very concerned. The look on the doctor’s face sent fear all through me. She responded with an “oh, ohhh, oh” and quickly jotted it down. She told me that if I noticed growth in my tumor then I should quickly get a follow up because the lipoma could possibly be a sarcoma, which is cancerous. I was hit by so many emotions. I wanted to cry but I was also angry and scared and overwhelmed. My mom and I exchanged concerned looks as the doctor left, then my mom followed the doctor to talk. I was left in the room to try to process what I was just told. I was on the verge of tears but I held them back and talked to my mom about my options for scheduling an appointment with the surgeon. On the way home my mind was racing. But then I called a friend and told her, after the words left my mouth I was overwhelmed with a peaceful feeling. It was God. It was so Him reminding me once again that He is sovereign. I follow a sovereign God and I’m excited about what’s ahead for me.
Haha. Good one Holy Spirit, good one. Hahaha.
It was weird to have the sudden urge to bathe at 3:30am. It was so random! But I felt dirty so I did. Then all of a sudden I was on the verge of tears. After trying to hold the tears back I finally said, “God, can we hash this out right now.” I didn’t think He would actually hash things out then and there. But we definitely had a heart to heart (if that’s a correct name for it…?) We went through everything, my abandonment issues, my deepest fears, my desires, why I act the way I do, why He hasn’t done what I want Him to do, why I am in the situation that I’m in and other things. It all boiled down to one thing tho…me not seeking Him like I should. I allowed other crap to penetrate and seep into my brain and not His Word. I took every blow that Satan dealt me. I didn’t try to dodge them at all. I literally sat there, watched him swing and absorbed all of the pain that came with the hit. I absorbed the pain and dwelt in it. I sat here in pain for weeks upon weeks and months upon months until I finally let God get through to me, I finally stopped fighting Him. I was watching One Tree Hill the other night and someone asked someone else (I was sleepy, give me a break haha) how they got through their heartbreak and their response was something like “I guess it was all the little things that helped me through.” I’m starting to realize that God is really sovereign and there have been a lot of little things that He’s been trying to talk to me through. There’s been a lot of “right quotes at the right time” lately but I’ve taken them for granted. I let them hit the surface but I never absorbed them all. God is good, even in all the little things. Sometimes the little things matter the most. So I’m going to start absorbing all the little things and I’m going to try my hardest to not absorb all of Satan’s punches. I let myself get beat up in this fight for too long, it’s time for me to stand back up and start swinging. I thank God that He finally got through to me, I was headed towards the wrong path but like the song says, “If you’re missing come on home.” God I’m coming home. I was missing for way too long.
The physical fight is only half the battle